Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
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[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope