Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
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whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
I’m too immature for adultery.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton