Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
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Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Me irl
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.