Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
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One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving