Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
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Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
The Compass
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”