Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.

Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)

if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

me refusing to leave twitter

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.