Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

robber: be cool this is a robbery

me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.