three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
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No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*