three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
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“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I love it all
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing