three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
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sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.