Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.

You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”

The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:

Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.

Me: OMG what happened?!

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Me: *puts naked Barbie away.

‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!

Her:Freak!

Me:Did you feel–anything?

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.