Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
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9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now