Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
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The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”