Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.

That woman has no sense of humour.

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

Her: “What an ugly baby”

Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”

Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”