Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
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Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.