@AimeeHelene1

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

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@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.

@TheRolo

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!

@upsheezy

“Walk it off” does not apply to everything.

Stupidity, for example.

You’re not walking that shit off unless it’s in to oncoming traffic

@VisionBored1

My husband accused me of only listening to reply instead of listening to understand and tbh I have no idea what he’s talking about but I had the best comeback ever to shut him up

@tsm560

Her: About last night, please understand that wasn’t me… that was the wine.
Me: …
Her: …
Me: Do you have a phone number for that wine?

@JVarsityCaptain

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

@mdob11

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work ūüôĀ

@SketchesbyBoze

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.