Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
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“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Ooh I do like a good funnel
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.