I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
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I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
“Walk it off” does not apply to everything.
Stupidity, for example.
You’re not walking that shit off unless it’s in to oncoming traffic
My husband accused me of only listening to reply instead of listening to understand and tbh I have no idea what he’s talking about but I had the best comeback ever to shut him up
Her: About last night, please understand that wasn’t me… that was the wine.
Me: Do you have a phone number for that wine?
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I love wikipedia
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.