Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
