Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
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My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
i want it utterly assaulted.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
That’s easy for you to say
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint