Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
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A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road