Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
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chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
Same pineapple, same
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]