Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
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Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.