Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*

90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

I love it all

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.