Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous