Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

ibopfufen

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop