Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

*has no idea what a book even is*

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

Mice are just frozen Mwater.

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?