Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
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I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
what idiot called it arrogant homeowners struggling to complete an air sealing project after watching YouTube videos and not caulk suckers
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Who knew!
was Jim off killing horses or…
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY