Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
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I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Math at Halloween.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.