Thrilling chase underway
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[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
when you are just born a rebel
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
cry laughing at this shit
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
