throat sock season is upon us.
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The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
