throat sock season is upon us.
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If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?