*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
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Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
A recipe for laughter
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.