Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

Potatoes were such a good idea

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?

Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out

Her: Our youngest is 98 months.

Me: What’s that in human people years?

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.