Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
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mmm onion ringos
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.