Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
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No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out