Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
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Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
secret recipe
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025