Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.