Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

Health and fitness is really important to me

Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.