Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
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Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
When I pack too much for a short trip.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”