Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…

Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut