Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
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I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.