Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.

Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*