Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

Siri, when does the restraining order expire?

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!