Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
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Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Merry Christmas
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.