Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
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I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Cha-ching is my safe word
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
😭😭
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”