@rolldiggity

Throw a pizza down a manhole. Wait five minutes. Throw a grenade down. You just killed the Ninja Turtles.

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@AngelaEhh

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

@MacAnnabella

The next time someone describes me as feisty, I’m going to stand in front of them and air punch rapidly like Scrappy Doo.

@Kyle_Lippert

My ex and I would role play from time to time. She would dress up as a teacher and call my mother to tell her that I ate the Crayons again.

@DanMentos

“I’ve got cat-like T-Rexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Tyrannosaurus pounces on you*

@SveldtSmelt

I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.

@Merman_Melville

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

@BlairLoudly

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby