Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
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“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
what day is it?
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Bless you
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
umm…
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”