Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
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Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs