Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
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My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
never ask a starfish for directions
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now