Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
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Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy