Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
You Might Also Like
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you