Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.