Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
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[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate