Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
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you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.
😂🐈⬛
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.