Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
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Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.