Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
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How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*