throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
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stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Mountain Goat : )
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Said the murderer.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.