Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

So many pants.
So little yoga.

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

We decided to have money instead of children.

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws

When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*