Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY