Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

Stranger: Twitter is awful.

Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.

Stranger: But there are bad people…

Me: Sure, I just block them.

Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.

Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).

👀

[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.

ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine