@jonnysun

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]

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@patnspankme

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

@Jenny4ashley

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what

@jonnysun

lets play cops & robbers!
ok! i’ll be robber!
i’ll be cop!
*robber hides*
*cop just starts wrestling all the black kids in the neigborhood*

@iGreenMonk

I hate when films say ” ‘MAY’ contain nudity?”

Either it does or it doesn’t.

DON’T WASTE MY TIME

@Mr_Kapowski

Guy 1: Women love a man that’s well read

Guy 2: Got it

[date]

Woman: So what-

Guy 2: *covered in ketchup* How well do you like me red?

@morninggloria

Until I started experiencing insomnia I had no idea it was possible to be this furious with each of my pillows individually