[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
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“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Pigeon open mic night.
The Book. The Movie.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.