Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
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[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
lets play cops & robbers!
ok! i’ll be robber!
i’ll be cop!
*cop just starts wrestling all the black kids in the neigborhood*
I hate when films say ” ‘MAY’ contain nudity?”
Either it does or it doesn’t.
DON’T WASTE MY TIME
In Canada they just call them geese
Guy 1: Women love a man that’s well read
Guy 2: Got it
Woman: So what-
Guy 2: *covered in ketchup* How well do you like me red?
Until I started experiencing insomnia I had no idea it was possible to be this furious with each of my pillows individually