*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
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Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
George Washington: c’mon man
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
When I see a couple and the women’s pregnant. I always walk up and YELL “why don’t you tell him who is really the father.” and walk away
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.