Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️

Orcas are not our friends

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”

“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”

Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.