Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.