Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
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Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Had an epiphany today.
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?