Throwing a Don’t Kill Yourself Dinner Party where everyone brings a dish so delicious that we remember why life is worth living
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Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
These modern phones are great but I miss the days of old Nokias… you know if you were out and needed a hammer, a weapon or even an anchor for a boat.. voila
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Just had my nails done!
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that