Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on