Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

haha same

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.

He didn’t hiccup.

He didn’t fake-hiccup.

He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.