Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.

THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”

NBA:

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on

Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.