Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
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Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS