Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
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This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*