Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
You Might Also Like
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.