Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
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One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.