Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
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[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Just met my Gen Z neighbors Jaiyszon and Kjimberrlley and their newborn daughter Paiyszleiyeigh.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
first you must answer his riddles
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say