Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
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I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
“I’m helping” 😅
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.